Yesterday I had just stepped outside for a moment of fresh air and sun when one of the neighborhood kids screeched, “can Joshua come out and play”. He was walking up the towards our house, with his mother behind him who was pushing a stroller and his little brother. He asked if he could come to the door and see if if Joshua could come outside. I explained that I would check, as Elijah was still sleeping. The door opens and much screaming occurs between this boy and Joshua. In general Josh is a pretty mellow kid, but if another kid is screaming or misbehaving, expect him to join right in. So Melissa, Joshua and I stepped outside, no worries I took the video monitor with me. The kids played OK together, neither quite mastering cooperative play, but no major meltdowns occurred.
At some point this child’s mother, who is normally pretty nice, offered to let Joshua come down to her house. Melissa and I were both tired, Elijah was still asleep and neither of us really wanted to walk down the street or have play date. So typically nice neighbor (hence more referred to as TNN) proceeds to offer to let Joshua come down without us. We politely declined, and explained we aren’t “there” yet when it comes to play dates without us. So TNN starts pushing the point and offers several more times. I’m starting to get annoyed, because I have now said no multiple times and she has repeatedly made this offer in front of Joshua. I tell her again we aren’t ready, and she explains to me how I need to get ready, because it is coming. And how last year when her son was Joshua’s age it started. She had a play date and the mother just dropped the kid off, and that was the start for them… In my head, I’m like “well isn’t that nice for you”, what I verbalized was, “I’m just not comfortable with that right now”.
Her response. “Well, YOU don’t have to be” with a quick look to Melissa. As I said, I was already annoyed, so I snapped back with – yeah I do, Melissa and I are equal partners and make parenting decisions together. To be fair unlike last week’s post I’m not entirely sure that it had to do with gender. It could simply be that TNN knows Melissa is the one home with the boys. But even still it is pretty ridiculous to disregard a parent like that. It is also possible that she didn’t mean it like that. Melissa, who admits she wasn’t paying attention at that point, thought, she was just saying, you don’t have to be right now…when you are ready… But she didn’t catch the emphasis on YOU, nor did she notice the glance to her as she was emphasizing the word.
But I call bullshit, here is why. She didn’t stop there. She tells her kid it is time to go home (the little one in the stroller is done) and that she will make him a smoothy. She then tells Joshua that he can have a smoothy if he comes over to her house. Melissa turns to her and says that she is too lazy and tired to walk down the street right now. TNN’s response – Thats OK, Joshua can come over by himself. I’m fuming; I have said no, I have explained I’m not comfortable with it, and she repeatedly offers, not just to us, but to Joshua. So now not only do I have to tell her no for the umpteenth time, I have to tell Joshua as well. Melissa politely decline.
Again, maybe this isn’t about gender. Maybe she was just assuming it was entirely Melissa’s decision since she is the one home with the kids, so my comfort isn’t relevant. Maybe she was just disregarding me because she thinks I’m being overprotective. I probably am. I am sure due in no small part to the fact as a child there were times in my life I felt unprotected, my default is to error on the side of overprotection. Bottom line, if you feel I am being an overprotective parent, OK, raise your kids the way you want, don’t tell me how to raise mine. If I say I don’t want my kid doing something, multiple times, don’t turn to my wife and ask if it is OK, and certainly don’t make the offer to my 3 year old.
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