Dear Mom,
Today is Elijah’s 3rd birthday. It will always be a bitter sweet day for me, since it was also three years ago today, that we lost you. As I write this, it is almost exactly 3 years since we spoke for the last time. You were in Puerto Rico with dad, having the time of your life, but I could hear in your voice, how guilty you felt not being there for the birth of your second grandson. I told you it was OK! We were fine. Elijah was happy and healthy with a near perfect Apgar score. I reminded you that you would be home before they were out of the Hospital, and that you would be here when we really needed you. I never occurred to me that, that might be the last time we ever spoke.
When Elijah called for me this morning, I stopped myself at the door of his bedroom before entering. I took a deep breath and put on my best Fake It Till You Make It smile. I knew you would be so pissed at me, if I in anyway let the sorrow for your loss, impact your grandson’s birthday. You always put us first, and I have always tried to parent by that example. But I’m human, as were you (I’m sure you remember the dictionary incident), and I let my emotions get the better of me. As I was changing his diaper, there was a big smile on my face, but tears in my eyes. It wasn’t because I miss you (I do of course) but it was because I knew Elijah would never know you, at least not directly. I would never pick him up at your house and hear you swear to me that you didn’t give him any treats as I wiped the chocolate off his face. Seriously mom did you really think I would buy the story that his cousin Caroline smeared the chocolate on his face? She wasn’t even there 1/2 the times it happened with Josh! He does know you by your picture and I was told how many times that day you looked at his.
Over the last three years he has grown so much. I wish I could still email you photos like this one,
though in my heart I know you have been with us this whole time. He is an amazing kid, mom. He is so smart, and like his dad, a complete smart ass. He is a pistol, stubborn as a mule and has absolutely no fear. Remind you of anyone? You always joked with me that you hoped I would be cursed with a child just like me. I was, and of course it is a blessing, not a curse, as I know you felt as well. We miss you mom.
Love,
Corey
© 2012, Corey Feldman. All rights reserved.
Happy Birthday Elijah. I am so sorry it is bittersweet.
Thank you Jodi!
Corey – Came to your blog this morning, from the FaceBook link. Being the anal type I am (at least in some ways, not in how neat my office is not), I had to go back and read it all from the beginning.
So I have now been through the last 4+ years of your life. And I think I can say that your mother would be very proud of you over the last three years. Even if she’d be a little puzzled about your joining an orthodox shul (okay, modern orthodox).
Like you, I grew up with a more tenuous, other side of reform, Judaism. My parents, z”l, were atheists, former communists, but with a strong Jewish identity. So they joined a reform synagogue so that I and my sister could have a Jewish education. They may have been atheists, but the G-d that they didn’t believe in was the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
So when I joined an Orthodox shul, it confused my mom. And when I became secretary, even more so (she didn’t live to see me become treasurer and then president). But I still remember the Friday afternoon when I stopped by her apartment, as every week, and as I left to get home for Shabbat, she said “Good Shabbos. There, I said it!” Amazed at herself, I think.
It has been more than 17 years, but I still think of her almost every day.
May your mother’s memory always be for a blessing, and may you always make her proud.
Bill Landau
Thank you Bill! Wow, I can’t believe you read it back, sorry about that. I still have a long way to go to polish my writing, but my earlier stuff was especially bad. That is a great memory of your mom to hold and carry!
Corey – No apologies necessary. It’s a blog; I don’t expect it to be polished (okay, I do send copy edits to Romi Sussman for her Sussmans b’Aretz blog, but she’s an English teacher). And I read it because I enjoyed getting to know you a bit. – Bill
I’m crying. That is sooooooo beautiful.
Thank you Tara.
beautiful. elijah is so blessed to have your detailing the world through your eyes and your emotions.
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Thank you!
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Dear Corey,
I too have a son named Elijah. He’s turning 9 next month, the eldest of my two sons.
The year before he was born, my dad died of a sudden heart attack. It was years after I chose the name that an old man mentioned that the nameElijah, is synonymous with reincarnation.
Thought you’d like to know. It helps me through sometimes.
N.
Thank you. I actually believe Elijah is a Gilgul. Not my mom, but he is an old soul.
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