Today is Elijah’s 3rd birthday. It will always be a bitter sweet day for me, since it was also three years ago today, that we lost you. As I write this, it is almost exactly 3 years since we spoke for the last time. You were in Puerto Rico with dad, having the time of your life, but I could hear in your voice, how guilty you felt not being there for the birth of your second grandson. I told you it was OK! We were fine. Elijah was happy and healthy with a near perfect Apgar score. I reminded you that you would be home before they were out of the Hospital, and that you would be here when we really needed you. I never occurred to me that, that might be the last time we ever spoke.
When Elijah called for me this morning, I stopped myself at the door of his bedroom before entering. I took a deep breath and put on my best Fake It Till You Make It smile. I knew you would be so pissed at me, if I in anyway let the sorrow for your loss, impact your grandson’s birthday. You always put us first, and I have always tried to parent by that example. But I’m human, as were you (I’m sure you remember the dictionary incident), and I let my emotions get the better of me. As I was changing his diaper, there was a big smile on my face, but tears in my eyes. It wasn’t because I miss you (I do of course) but it was because I knew Elijah would never know you, at least not directly. I would never pick him up at your house and hear you swear to me that you didn’t give him any treats as I wiped the chocolate off his face. Seriously mom did you really think I would buy the story that his cousin Caroline smeared the chocolate on his face? She wasn’t even there 1/2 the times it happened with Josh! He does know you by your picture and I was told how many times that day you looked at his.
Over the last three years he has grown so much. I wish I could still email you photos like this one,
though in my heart I know you have been with us this whole time. He is an amazing kid, mom. He is so smart, and like his dad, a complete smart ass. He is a pistol, stubborn as a mule and has absolutely no fear. Remind you of anyone? You always joked with me that you hoped I would be cursed with a child just like me. I was, and of course it is a blessing, not a curse, as I know you felt as well. We miss you mom.
© 2012, Corey Feldman. All rights reserved.