Depression, blurriness and my boy’s infancies

So I was reading a post by Jenny at momminitup.com called Things I wish I could remember. In it she talked about how blurry some of her memories of her early childhood were and how she had so few specific memories of her daughters first year of life.  Well that got me thinking about the infancies of my own two boys and how blurry those memories are.  I knew I had to immediately write this post since I know its a week before I see my shrink.  I realize just how little of Joshua and Elijah’s infancies I remember.

When Josh was born I was taking a beta blocker to help reduce the number of Migraines I was getting. This beta blocker severely exacerbated my underling depression.  It seemed like all of the energy I had was poured into work, and there was just little left. I was withdrawn and disconnected. I was severely depressed.  So much of those early month are just a blur.  Don’t get me wrong I still have some strong, clear and happy memories. Monday night’s Melissa would work and dropped Josh off at my parent’s. They would feed and bathe him and play with him until I got home from work. I would pick him up on my way home. G-d I miss having my mom 2 miles away. Then I would take him home, feed him the formula (Josh had a milk intolerance for his first year) that we called liquid gold because it was so expensive. We would sit in the rocking chair, while I fed and read to him. Every time I did this he would lightly brush his hand across my arm and wrist. Even through the worst of the depression that was the most glorious warm and fuzzy feeling I can ever recall.  Even at 5 it is something he still does, especially if I am reading him one of my Egret poems, and it still makes my heart melt.  And of course there are several other clear and wonderful memories, but so much is forever lost in that haze of depression.

Eventually I was off the beta blocker and was back to my “normal” – highly functional but anxiety ridden, with spurts of mild depression and ADHD. The time period between then and Elijah’s birth is crystal clear. As you may know, the day Elijah was born my mom suffered a massive aneurism and was brain dead instantly. It was about 36 hours later before she was taken of life support an officially pronounced dead.  I do take comfort in the fact I got to talk to her on the phone that day, and I know she spent a good part of it looking at the picture of Elijah we had emailed her. But dealing with the mourning, depression, and exhaustion once again completely blurred the first few months of my child’s life. I do have some clear and happy memories though. Pushing the boys in the double stroller and going for long walks in the neighborhood.   I also remember taking this picture -

and for the first time since my mother had died, feeling nothing but happiness. This is one of those moments that through the blurriness blazed through the darkness and will stay with me always.