It’s with a lot of trepidation that I post this, since it is a very revealing look into a serious issue of tension in my marriage. But I did seek permission from Melissa before posting this. It’s a major issue that Melissa and I are simply not on the same page. Its also something that comes up pretty frequently because people always ask us if we are going to have more children. Bottom line, Melissa doesn’t want them and I do.
I understand her rational. She doesn’t want to put her body through that again. She doesn’t want to have to spilt her attention even farther, and she doesn’t want the financial strain. I also know that when it comes down to it, this is her body and her decision and I do believe it is wrong to bring a child into a marriage where one of the parents doesn’t want him or her.
These are all very rational reasons, but the thing is, I want another child so much it hurts. When it comes up, it is always a trigger for my depression. Maybe this makes me selfish. I have two gorgeous and brilliant children, that are both so special in their own ways. Joshua is one of the most sensitive little boys you will ever meet and Elijah is just a character, unbelievably funny even at 3. Part of it is I always wanted a girl, but even if I ended up with one or two more boys, I would still be unbelievably happy. See I love my boys more than I knew was humanly possible. Parenting changes you in unbelievable ways. To me more children is more love.
Honestly, if I didn’t get my Samara, they name slated for both Josh and Elijah had it been an x versus a y swimmer to win the race, I would still mourn that loss. But it would be very much tempered by the additional love in the family. I don’t know exactly how I can quantify the reasons for my wanting more kids, other than the tremendous joy and love they bring. But I know I want at least one more. Heck 2 or 3 would be fine with me. Two just doesn’t feel enough. I wish it did. I love my wife and I hate feeling resentful over this issue, but I do, and haven’t figured out away to get past it.
I don’t want to feel depressed every time Melissa gives away one of their baby toys. G-d knows we can use the space. But it just eats at me every single time. It’s not fair to Melissa, its not her fault she doesn’t want something that I do. But this is a trigger that always sets me off into a dark place. We will go to Shul or somewhere and there will be a little one. I’ll hold them and suck up the fresh baby smell. I love holding the little ones, it brings me so much joy, but there is a little piece that mourns these/this unconceived child/children, at the same time.
I know I need to let go of this resentment to have a happier marriage and a happier life. I am working on it. But it is simply one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.
© 2012, Corey Feldman. All rights reserved.