It’s with a lot of trepidation that I post this, since it is a very revealing look into a serious issue of tension in my marriage. But I did seek permission from Melissa before posting this. It’s a major issue that Melissa and I are simply not on the same page. Its also something that comes up pretty frequently because people always ask us if we are going to have more children. Bottom line, Melissa doesn’t want them and I do.
I understand her rational. She doesn’t want to put her body through that again. She doesn’t want to have to spilt her attention even farther, and she doesn’t want the financial strain. I also know that when it comes down to it, this is her body and her decision and I do believe it is wrong to bring a child into a marriage where one of the parents doesn’t want him or her.
These are all very rational reasons, but the thing is, I want another child so much it hurts. When it comes up, it is always a trigger for my depression. Maybe this makes me selfish. I have two gorgeous and brilliant children, that are both so special in their own ways. Joshua is one of the most sensitive little boys you will ever meet and Elijah is just a character, unbelievably funny even at 3. Part of it is I always wanted a girl, but even if I ended up with one or two more boys, I would still be unbelievably happy. See I love my boys more than I knew was humanly possible. Parenting changes you in unbelievable ways. To me more children is more love.
Honestly, if I didn’t get my Samara, they name slated for both Josh and Elijah had it been an x versus a y swimmer to win the race, I would still mourn that loss. But it would be very much tempered by the additional love in the family. I don’t know exactly how I can quantify the reasons for my wanting more kids, other than the tremendous joy and love they bring. But I know I want at least one more. Heck 2 or 3 would be fine with me. Two just doesn’t feel enough. I wish it did. I love my wife and I hate feeling resentful over this issue, but I do, and haven’t figured out away to get past it.
I don’t want to feel depressed every time Melissa gives away one of their baby toys. G-d knows we can use the space. But it just eats at me every single time. It’s not fair to Melissa, its not her fault she doesn’t want something that I do. But this is a trigger that always sets me off into a dark place. We will go to Shul or somewhere and there will be a little one. I’ll hold them and suck up the fresh baby smell. I love holding the little ones, it brings me so much joy, but there is a little piece that mourns these/this unconceived child/children, at the same time.
I know I need to let go of this resentment to have a happier marriage and a happier life. I am working on it. But it is simply one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.
Sorry you’re going through this. It often strikes me how few things a married couple absolutely has to agree on, and this is one of them. It’s so hard.
Elaine recently posted…“I Don\’t Think I\’ve Ever Had a Bad Day”
This is a tough one for sure!
Different reason for not having a third, but I absolutely understand that desire to have another. It’s powerful, and it’s a trigger you can’t really avoid since babies are all around you once you step out of the house. Hope you find peace of heart with this.
Mel recently posted…Just Ask
It is a hard trigger to avoid and thank you!
Corey Feldman recently posted…Filed under TMI, Depression & More Children
Honestly, I think it is important for you to write about this, because I KNOW that you are not the only person who feels this way—and your wife is not the only person who has her feelings. It’s so difficult, because wanting a child or not is at the core of so much and you can’t just turn that off. Nor can you force your spouse to go along with you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Stimey recently posted…Stimeyblots
Thank you. I think writing about it helped. Maybe realize how much resentment I was holding on to. With that realization if becomes easier to try and let it go.
Corey Feldman recently posted…Filed under TMI, Depression & More Children
My third, coveted baby is Max. Max, like your Samara will never be born, will never be pampered and tortured by his big sisters, will never be a part of this family as more than this dream I carry in my heart.
In our home I’m the one who wants the third that my husband, for many very valid reasons, has said no to.
I feel your pain.
Jessica R. recently posted…A Memorable Mother’s Day (With a giveaway!)
I’m so sorry thank you for sharing.
Corey Feldman recently posted…Post Shabbat Post
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I have one, and it was never a struggle of one of us wanting more and one not but more of our mutual confusion over whether or not we really wanted more kids or felt like we *should* have more kids. It was a tremendous relief to both of us to let go of the question, and I hope you and Melissa can get to a place of agreement and mutual understanding. I don’t understand the urge for more, but I do remember the urge for one and I’m sure it’s the same, hard-to-ignore urge.
It’s hard to unpack feelings. I saw an evolutionary psychologist for a few years who was tremendously helpful to me, even though I struggled a bit with “feelings are sins,” since I am a Christian and grew up thinking coveting my neighbor’s cow was as bad as stealing it. Basically my doctor’s theory was that feelings have been handed down from cavemen in order to incite action — and in this day and age, the action isn’t always useful since no one is trying to eat you. Your feelings are like dirt — not good, not bad, not righteous, not sinful, just there. It’s how you act on them that matters. And the icky feelings like guilt and resentment are masks for the real feelings: anger, lust, friendship, love. You’re probably really angry right now. And yet you know thumping Melissa over the head with a broom won’t do you any good, because a) she’d be pissed and b) you love her even though you’re angry that she’s not agreeing with you. So then you try to identify the end goal — maybe it’s children, maybe it’s love, maybe it’s attention — and figure out how to get that need met with what’s in your life. The goal is to get your needs met, not to tear the relationship up with icky feelings like resentment and guilt. Spouses don’t always agree. Maybe you need a compromise — maybe you want to spend more time with your kids and work less or take each of them one-on-one longer on the weekends or something. I have no idea how your life goes now, so this is totally academic.
I play out my need for excitement and attention in my writing and have found I can get the same rush from writing a story that I used to from going out a lot. TMI, but I hope it helps.
Rita Arens recently posted…Fire in the Belly
Thank you for your comments, and I agree resentment and depression are misplaced anger. I am sure we will figure something out, or I will learn to live with what I have. Somethings in life we have no control over.
Corey Feldman recently posted…Egrets first sleepover
A lot of people can understand – both sides. I had always just wanted 2 children, my own father having classic “middle child” angst amd I was an only child. Just over 3 years ago, I found out I was pregnant and although that child was never meant to be,for a variety of physical and psychological reasons, it opened something in me.
I mourn that child’s non-existance twice a year (at time of loss and due date). Once that void is created, it is hard to fill. Sheryl Crow sings “it’s not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.” I still and always will love what I have, but one cannot help wanting what you can’t have.
I am working with some foster babies/children now and that helps. They need all the love (and more) that I can give. It helps fill that void – most of the time.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Corey Feldman recently posted…General Update on Depression and Egret Series