I mourn that child’s non-existance twice a year (at time of loss and due date). Once that void is created, it is hard to fill. Sheryl Crow sings “it’s not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.” I still and always will love what I have, but one cannot help wanting what you can’t have.

I am working with some foster babies/children now and that helps. They need all the love (and more) that I can give. It helps fill that void – most of the time.

It’s hard to unpack feelings. I saw an evolutionary psychologist for a few years who was tremendously helpful to me, even though I struggled a bit with “feelings are sins,” since I am a Christian and grew up thinking coveting my neighbor’s cow was as bad as stealing it. Basically my doctor’s theory was that feelings have been handed down from cavemen in order to incite action — and in this day and age, the action isn’t always useful since no one is trying to eat you. Your feelings are like dirt — not good, not bad, not righteous, not sinful, just there. It’s how you act on them that matters. And the icky feelings like guilt and resentment are masks for the real feelings: anger, lust, friendship, love. You’re probably really angry right now. And yet you know thumping Melissa over the head with a broom won’t do you any good, because a) she’d be pissed and b) you love her even though you’re angry that she’s not agreeing with you. So then you try to identify the end goal — maybe it’s children, maybe it’s love, maybe it’s attention — and figure out how to get that need met with what’s in your life. The goal is to get your needs met, not to tear the relationship up with icky feelings like resentment and guilt. Spouses don’t always agree. Maybe you need a compromise — maybe you want to spend more time with your kids and work less or take each of them one-on-one longer on the weekends or something. I have no idea how your life goes now, so this is totally academic.

I play out my need for excitement and attention in my writing and have found I can get the same rush from writing a story that I used to from going out a lot. TMI, but I hope it helps.
Rita Arens recently posted…Fire in the Belly

I feel your pain.
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