Growing up I was not very religious. Spiritual in my own way, yet very much attracted to the sciences. When it came to religion I have never doubted in G-d but religion itself was always a bit difficult for me. But honestly the two things haven’t been two hard to reconcile in my mind. They speak to different parts of me. I always chalked up what I saw as fallibility in religion as a failure to understand G-d. This post in not actually about religion. Its about me, and wondering how fallible I am in knowing myself.
Years before Melissa I dated a girl that I almost married. We had a very intense relationship. The night she left me, I never forgot what she said. How can I love you if I don’t love myself. Now her issues with depression were far worse than mine. Maybe that is part of what drew me to her. My own inner depression, wanting to reach out to someone in that kind of place (though considerably worse). I’m also a nurture by nature, which is why I often think I would make a better stay at home dad, than and HR Pro. OK maybe not better, I’m good at my job. But happier. She was broken and I wanted badly to help fix her. I don’t know, maybe I was looking to fix myself. As I said I am a nurturer by nature. I know it makes me a good dad and I think makes me a good, husband (but you would have to ask Melissa about that). I think it is also what makes me a good friend, especially to my inner circle.
But there have been certain things about myself I have always believed. Since starting my Don’t worry Be happy Pills, I have never been happier and calmer on average. As I have said in another post on Facebook and here, I have had my good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. Not sure what is was. Lots a triggers, especially at work. I have to travel soon which I’m not thrilled about. I have to do a few things for work that I am not thrilled about. I seem to have caught Melissa’s cold or sinus infection. Plus a million other things. I didn’t feel like myself. Or rather I did. I felt like the me before, not the person I have become and continue to grow to be.
When I’m in a bad place, my more values don’t change, but I can find myself regressing to passive aggressive behavior and snarkyness, and worst of all I stop listening to what people are saying, only what the anxiety whispers in my ear. Yesterday I found myself doubting in something, that I have believed in my heart for years. I spent the day trying to convince myself that something I believed in for such a long time couldn’t possible be wrong. But they anxiety was breaking through telling me I was. The more the anxiety whispered, the more I held my ground. But it was a battle for a core belief.
So today, meds are working fine. I still have a cold, but I am feeling much more the new me. But I can’t help but wonder who am I really. Was yesterday the real me, poking out through the medicine, or does the medicine bring out the real me.
Update: As the day has gone on, I realize I am am more and more depressed. I am starting to think I need a medication adjustment. If I am really honest with myself, the last 3 days have basically sucked. Depression is much worse than ever and the anxiety under less control. But that makes me wonder all the more, what is the real me.
Update 2: I spoke with my doctor. One of the new meds she started me on, was at a really low dose. So she is having me double it. She said I should hopefully be feeling better in a couple of days.
Update 3: In my head I am trying to figure out if I have ever been this depressed before. And of course I process when I write so here I am processing/writing. I probably have, maybe years ago, when the beta blocker was exasperating the depression. It feels worse this time. Maybe because I fell from a greater height this week. I had been feeling so great for really the first time in memory, it’s that much harder to go back. But I do want to thank everyone who has reached out to me, especially those who have shared their similar experiences when first starting medication. I know it’s a journey and there will be adjustments along the way. But thank you all for sharing.