Today is kind of a mixed day for me. I was slowly improving then holding steady, but I seem to be back sliding in the last 36 hours. I’m not sure if that is environmental or chemical, but I’m not where I was even yesterday morning. I have been a little more anxious than normal (as of late), though I know I missed at least 2 Klonopin doses. Which does control the anxiety well. But I am not convinced the other Meds are doing what they need to do. They are doing something as I said, but I felt a backslide and I plateaued below where I want to be. So even if this backslide was just due to having a crappy couple of days and I rebound to where I was yesterday morning, that just isn’t good enough. I emailed my Psychiatrist, that I had plateaued yesterday, but she hasn’t responded yet. I should email her again and mention the backslide after this post. I wanted to wait until after I posted this so I could better process what I am feeling. Again I have had some personal events that have made things a bit emotional for me, and my friend Debbie would be telling me it is a combination of both. I’m sure she is right. But that also means my meds aren’t doing what they need to be doing. So I am in a funk and can’t quite figure out how to get out of it right now.
I’m actually a little surprised by this. I managed to squeeze in an 11 mile run this morning, which is usually a mood elevator for me. I got to work from home for an hour before my appointment with my Clinical Social Worker. Which brings me to the next topic, I found a Clinical Social Worker under my insurance for $20 a visit. She lives/works 5 minutes from me, and I was very comfortable with her. Now that I say it I know I just dredged up a bunch of stuff that isn’t to pleasant to think about. So that probably counts for at least some of the backslide.
As the Bloggess says depression lies. So does anxiety for the record, I think even more than the depression (at least for me). I have kept on my fake it till you make it smile today, but that is a lie too. So me, my depression, and Anxiety are all just a big bunch of liars! Speaking of which to my “favorite” relative on my mom’s side of the family, I know you read my blog and I could care less. I also know you sent blueprints of my grandparents building trying to prove that your abusive SOB of a husband didn’t hang me from a balcony as a small child. Live in denial all you want but it happened just like the several times he shoved my face into a cake as a kid. I can only verify what happened to me, but the stories of him putting one of your daughters threw a wall, well I wasn’t there for that, I just hope you have given her enough money over the years that she can afford a good therapist. OH and class act not showing up for your own Aunt’s memorial service because I was there. I know this part of the post might sound a bit passive aggressive, or just aggressive, which I know will upset someone I care for very much. I’m sorry but this needs to be said and I won’t speak to her and since I have been informed she reads my blog, she might as well read it here. As I told you after my Mom’s funeral, Karma is a bitch. But considering how vial and nasty most everyone is in your immediate family is, I’m sure you already know this.
For everyone else that reads my blog I deeply apologize for the public rant.