This week has been a pretty slow slide backwards. I was feeling a bit better last week, but  now I generally just kind of feel numb. With the depression I’m not sure what is environmental and what is biochemical. But be the honest it just hasn’t been a good week. I really was starting to feel better last weekend. Again I don’t talk about work on here only in most general of terms, but it was filled with opportunities for improvement. Starting with a soul sucking variety trip Monday through Wednesday. Then on Thursday and Friday I was a bit slammed and had some things happen that were less than ideal. I am also having a problems with a friend, which I will not go into details on here.  While I am a big supporter of being open and honest there are just certain things that don’t belong in a public forum.

This should have been a good weekend, which is why I doubt this is environmental. Friday night I finished the poem/story I promised the daughter of a friend. I sat outside on my patio and wrote it on an an objectively beautiful night.  Saturday we went to Shul and saw a lot of good friends. Then had a lovely Shabbat lunch with newer friends that we really enjoy. Since we were doing a little extra walking than usual we even brought a stroller for Elijah which certainly made the Shabbat walk less dramatic. I went to my Scotch and learning, but skipped the scotch. It was a fascinating conversation with a bunch a truly smart people. We didn’t stay focused on Gemara but we had fascinating side conversations on how these ancient beliefs intersect with the modern world. I came home and played Gin with my wife on the patio. She completely kicked my butt for the second time this week. But I had a fascinating realization right before our last game. I was wondering if the meds were interfering with my short term memory. I realized I had no idea what cards had been played and I couldn’t even guess at what was in Melissa’s hand.  This is very unusual for me. I wasn’t sure if it was my short term memory or if I just wasn’t paying attention. So I made a conscious effort to pay attention on the next round, I was able to remember every card that was played and that she picked up, and I did actually gin the that game. Melissa has a phenomenal memory, and has been playing Gin a  lot longer that me, so she can be a challenging opponent for me. But I do think I settled the memory issue. If my memory is being impacted it seems to be a mater of my attention more anything else.  Sunday should have also been fun. It was busy and exhausting. We had two lovely birthday parties and went to see the Potomac Hunt Horse races. The kids got the pet some horses and seemed to have a lovely time. On the way home we brought home Sushi for takeout.

This really should have been an amazing weekend but I realized I was mostly feeling numb and disconnected from life. There were happy moments and ones that broke my heart. The phone call I got on the way to work on Friday. On Friday Josh didn’t realize I was leaving for work when I kissed him goodbye and had Melissa call me. He was hysterical that I didn’t give him more hugs and kisses before I left for the day. That just broke my heart and melted it all at the same time. It was a good reminder of what I am fighting for. This Fall Josh starts kindergarden and it seems like yesterday I was in tears dropping him off for his first day on preschool. At the second party one of the moms commented to me how big they all look. She was there that first day of preschool and in what seems like a flash our babies have become children.  So I had this weekend filled with moments of happiness and sadness but I was mostly just numb.

I think I mentioned in my last update on despresion that I can’t figure out if I am worse, or now that I know what sustained happiness feels like I know what I am missing. I still don’t know, but I have better appreciation for someone in my past. She is actually the person who hurt me most in my life.  I was living with a beautiful and brilliant medical student, who suffered pretty horrible depression. Now that I have recognized and begun treatment for my own depression and anxiety issues, some of that hurt has finally been tempered.   We were very serious. The ring was picked out but thankfully not officially bought. And I came home one day early to find her packing all her things, she was moving out and we were essentially over. I have abandonment issues and that  nearly destroyed me. But I have a much better understanding of her now. Clearly we weren’t meant to be, but the way everything happened was about her, not me.  It has taken me over a decade to realize that.  There was something else I understand about her. There were days she just couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t get that.  But looking back on my life I remember how I would just disappear into my computer or TV at home. I remember a week in college my freshman year that I sat at my computer and played solitare for an entire weekend. OK *maybe* I showered. I slept a little and I think I ate. Last night Melissa had to put both kids to bed by herself.  I know she does this frequently, but usually because I am stuck at work. Not because I am lying in bed and just couldn’t pull myself out. I remember my ex would occasionally call out sick from work because she couldn’t get out of bed and face the day. I never understood that until last night/today. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I still can’t picture facing my day at work today and I have already called out sick. If anyone from my office reads this blog they now know the specifics of my ailment. Literally can’t face my day.  You have to understand how foreign this is to me. I have been accused of presentiism, and infecting the office. I have worked though severe migraines. If I call out or leave early it’s beyond bad. And I have already emailed my boss and will follow up with a call after the office office opens. I can’t face the day. I can’t face the traffic, and I can’t face any of it right now. So here I am feeling waffling between feeling horribly sad, to nothing but numbness with brief moments of happiness.  This morning my wife said to me that she feels so helpless, that she doesn’t know how to help me and all I could say was I know. I feel the same way.

As I started writing this post I was debating how much of this was chemical and how much environmental. But as I have written and processed along the way I do think this is more chemical and the drugs aren’t working or are making things worse. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon, so hopefully she will have some help for me.

So on to what I think is a little happier news. I have decided to expand the Egret series. We are going to meet the rest of Samara’s family. The inspiration of Egret has changed a lot of the course of the series. At this point she is a my more feminine qualities, the yin to my yang, so to speak. Samara (Sam) is also a bit of me, and what I always pictured for the daughter I have always wanted. The other day I read the non cannon Red story to Josh. Where she is grown up, and had kids of her own. As I said it was a promise for a friend’s daughter. But I love that poem/story, I’m amazed I was able to finish it on Friday evening in spite of how I was feeling.  As I said I read the story to Josh, how I loved it and I got the feeling he wanted to be in the stories as well. So we are going to meet the rest of Sam’s family. Sam has a twin brother. I have no idea if Elephants have twins but its my world,pretty sure they don’t play bass or dance either but I do know they paint.  Sam’s twin will be Joshua or Josh. They will have a 3 year old brother Elijah. A mother named Luna, which will be inspired by Melissa of course. The moon is a common theme in the Egret series due to the original inspiration, but Melissa is also a huge moon fan. Back in the days of AIM her screen name was Octobermoon something. And our wedding song was Moon Dance. So think it is a nice tie-in with the series. The father will be Leo. Because yes I am a lion, and while I don’t put stock in astrology I am a Leo. So Leo will be the Yang to my Yin.

© 2012, Corey Feldman. All rights reserved.