Depression update June 10-11

Today is a better day than yesterday.  I can’t figure out if the new drug is kicking in or if I was letting environmental stuff spin me into a very bad place.  Sunday I was a mess.  But there were a lot of things bothering me.   A close friend isn’t speaking to me and I don’t actually know why. I had a huge fight with Melissa over little stuff. Though it’s not so little. When you have someone depressed and stressed out, they are less likely to notice the piles of glasses on their desk. Or the dead wasp 3 feet behind their chair. Or the cat throw up on the fireplace. Or the tons of glasses said depressed person puts in the sink to soak, planning on washing them, but clearly not in the same time frame as their partner would have liked. Hypothetically speaking of course…  Which could hypothetically lead to a huge fight. Especially if the other person happens to be a little OCD. OK the glasses on the desk sucked, but I did have a reason. I was waiting for the new Dishwasher to be installed, which didn’t happen, thank you very much Home Depot.  I can’t say I was a perfect angel, but I also had some legitimate gripes about Melissa for which I will not call her out on the internet.  But we probably had one of the biggest fights we have ever had.

I think we resolved it, or resolved to try and resolve it. I think I need to get her a book on living with someone with anxiety and depression, I know most of what really got to me was that I didn’t feel understood.  Of course I’m sure she felt the same way. But at the end of the fight we did what we always do, made up, kissed each other good night and did not go to bed mad. We have a rule in the house not to leave it, or go to bed angry. Naturally Melissa is better at it than I am. Its an important rule because you never know what life will bring you. A simple accident/event can change your world forever, and you can never get to say what needs to be said. I think that is what I find most frustrating about the friend that isn’t speaking to me. Life is too short to leave things unresolved.

Speaking of life being to short, yesterday, part of my mood was certainly related to the boy’s end of the year party. Josh has a 1/2 of a day of school tomorrow then he is done with preschool forever. Come fall I will have a kindergartner.  While he may be more than ready, I’m not. Time is just going to fast.

And Elijah got hurt on the moon bounce at the party. I hate those things, not as much as trampolines, but enough just the same. He wasn’t hurt too bad, thankfully. But it definitely freaked me out a bit.

I was also pissed at Home Depot. We paid for a new dishwasher including installation and removal of the old one.  No one told us that would happen on different days. I was pissed. Apparently there is some new law in my area that is has to be installed by a plumber, and for some reason Home Depot didn’t think to coordinate those two things together.

But today is better. I can’t say I am feeling happy yet, but I am not miserable like Sunday. There are even a few things I am looking forward to. I’m hoping this new cocktail will work.  I have noticed an increased ability to concentrate today. So I will mark that in win column. I got to see part of a Bris this morning, such a cute kid.  I love little kids but I do get sad sometime remembering I’m not having anymore.  Which is really and issue I have to work on in therapy. I can’t make Melissa want to have another child, so I need to figure out a way to resolve that trigger of resentment. Yippy, something to talk about in therapy on Wednesday.  Oh back to Sunday, I also did not get my Sunday run in. That is never good. OK I have rambled on enough. Sunday = Bad. Monday = tolerable.  I’m giving odds that Tuesday will be good.  At the least I am going to set that expectation, maybe make a self fulfilling prophecy.

BTW if there are any Unix/linux/Centos experts out there, I effed up my bind configuration so I shut it off. DNS is managed off site and I just have a few workdpress installations on my VPS.    I can’t think of any reason I need it on, but let me know if I’m wrong.