Why I am not afraid of heights
I have the privilege of knowing some incredible people, people who had the misfortune of being victims of child abuse. They took their very personal horrors and used it to fashion unimaginable internal strength. They have become incredible parents, teachers, counselors and productive members of society. I am inspired and awed that such good came out of such pain.
Here is where I am going to over share. Well, I don’t think of it as over sharing, some might, but I don’t and it is my life so WTF. I have nothing to be embarrassed about and I think it will do me some good to get this out there. As a child I was exposed to an abusive extended family member. I am not going to name names, but anyone who knows my family can probably take an educated guess. If anyone wants to know who, I will be happy to share offline. For the record, the type of abuse I was exposed to was mostly emotional. I also don’t want to suggest that a handful of incidents can in anyway compare the horrors faced by those exposed to chronic and pervasive abuse. But I have recently come to realize what a lifelong impact that even these comparatively minor incidents have had on my life.
Today I am going to share one such incident. When I was a child I was at my grandparents who lived in a high rise in North Bethesda. Interestingly enough the same high rise I bought my first condo in. This “relative”, not my Grandfather (not that he was model parental figure either) thought it would be funny to hang me from the 10th story balcony. He swung me back and forth, and then he actually threw me up in the air, fortunately catching me.
It was shortly after this I started climbing things – trees, poles, houses, etc. I realize now I was attempting to get back control he took from me. I would decide how high I climbed and the higher the better. I was never going to allow myself to be afraid like that again. By the time I was 10 years old, I was doing cartwheels and handstands on railings and rooftop edges. I have no doubt that much if not all of my often reckless thrill-seeking behaviors stemmed from this one event.
For a long time I held on to more anger from the incident that I care to admit. I do however wonder, who would I be today had that not occurred. I am likely a better parent then I might otherwise have been, but I am sure I could/would have developed those same protective skills – your a parent, your job is to keep your children safe.
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