Gene Guilt 3

May 3, 2013 by 4 Comments

UPDATE

So I have talked about my guilt and guilty genes before regarding Josh. The two other post were about his ears. He got my childhood propensity for ear infections and rupturing eardrums. After the second surgery (First tonsils, tubes and adenoids – Second a procedure to close up his two ruptured eardrums) we were talking to our ENT about his headaches. We had been blaming them on allergies. But the allergy meds weren’t reducing them. I don’t have allergies, so I really didn’t blame myself for that, but of course it just hurt knowing my child was in pain. The ENT didn’t think this was sinus/allergy related issue so he had us schedule a full vision screen for today. I don’t think he has vision issues, the kid sees everything. I actually hope he got my vision. It was always better than 20/20 growing up, and even now with a slight decline, its 20/20. I do have slight astigmatism, but I think that is sinus related. I have spent the last several winters with chronic sinus issues and my vision is better in the summer than winter. OK so back to Josh and the headaches.   If it is not vision I am worried, or rather terrified.  The least of my concern is I have passed on my propensity for headaches – sinus, tension, and migraines.  Of course, if it is that, I will probably feel guilty about it. Intellectually I know that is silly. You get what you get, and he got a lot of good from me as well. But if it is not vision, or just some natural propensity for sinus, tensions, and migraine headaches, that brings out my real fear.  A fear I have a hard time even thinking about, no less writing and talking about. I have mentioned it to Melissa, and I finally mentioned it to the ENT who is an old family friend. If you have been reading me long enough you know my mom and maternal grandfather died of aneurysms. My MRI was perfectly clear, but that doesn’t mean I am not carrying a gene for it. Thinking about this scares the bloody hell out of me. So if his vision is clear, our next step is an MRI. The potential for a need for an MRI, has been in the back of my head ever since he first started complaining about the headaches. If it is not allergies and not a vision issue, I have to admit I am scared out of my mind. Irrational, probably, but fears aren’t always based on the rational parts of our minds. So that’s where we are at.

Update – OK, Josh’s eyes checked out fine. Melissa thinks I am totally overreacting about the whole MRI, or rather MRA thing. The eye doctor told her even with the family history, it is significantly unlikely to be an aneurysm. I, while do pride myself on my rationalism, still can’t shake the fear that it is more than just headaches. So we will talk to our pediatrician and go from there.

Filed Under: Family, Health, Kids

Gene guilt – Gulity gene(s) part 2

April 16, 2013 by 2 Comments

A couple years ago I wrote a post called Gene Guilt – Guilty Gene. I’m not going to link to it since it is a couple years old and G-d only knows how much or little editing I did on it. To sum it up, when Josh was 4 he had his tonsils and adenoids taken out and fairly large size tubes put in. The kid was unlucky enough to get my eardrums and propensity for childhood ear infections. Thankfully I out grew the infections and constant eardrum rupturing in college. Sadly I have passed it on Joshua. The doctor that did that surgery was the same who did mine. Consequently knowing my history, we were very aggressive right from the start.

The procedure worked great. He has been ear infection free for the last two years. The tubes are now out, and he has still been doing well. That is until last  month when he ruptured both eardrums. Something else he got from me.  I haven’t ruptured my eardrums since college. But up until them, it was a pretty common thing, especially in the summers if I was diving and on swim team.  Most of my ruptures healed naturally, except for an exceptionally large rupture. That time I needed my eardrum reconstructed with a muscle graph. I remember it being a pretty painful procedure and there were several days of down time and if I recall correctly, a significant amount of time out of the water.

Josh’s ruptures are not healing. Thankfully technology has grown since then, and they have a much less invasive procedure with no real downtime. He will be back in school the next day. Basically they cover the holes with these little disks, add some “magical” solution and the eardrum grows around the disks. No stitches or graphs required. It also has something like a 90% success rate. So in all likelihood he will not actually have to have the procedure I had done.

But he still has to go under general anesthesia, which is honestly scary as hell to me.  I also really feel for him, knowing personally just how much a ruptured ear drum hurts.  And of course I feel completely guilty, again, for passing this along to him.  So tomorrow (Wednesday) is the big day. Josh seems completely nonplussed by it. I on the other hand am a nervous guilt stricken wreck.  I know it’s minor, but if you could keep Josh in your thoughts and prayers, I would appreciate it.

Filed Under: Health, Kids, Parenting

Real life and fiction 17&18 Jan 13

January 19, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Real life:

Friday was the start of a four day weekend.  I spent the day with Melissa running errands and bumping up my 4square score. I definitely wore myself out because my virus rebounded and I feel sick. I have a sore throat that won’t go away and I am exhausted and achy.  So I decided to skip shul which always leaves me a little unbalanced. I didn’t grow up religious so this is not some sense of guilt or fear of offending G-d.  But when I go, and everyone is singing along with such passion, I am able to sink into a powerful meditative state. It rejuvenates me for the week. I am going to try and meditate on my own while Melissa and the boys are at shul to see if that helps. But it is not just the meditation of services, there is a huge social component. After services is kiddish which is like a mini party with the same 2 -3 hundred people every week. socialization is good for the soul. I will probably just rest and write for the remainder of the day. I need to rest up for tonight since my cousin is in town with her new husband and we are all meeting downtown.

Fiction:

Alex starts to learn a little of the history of Kabbalah an why it is not supposed to be practiced today. No ashes of the red heifer to purify oneself. She did however learn a supposed way to remove the blemishes on her Neshama (soul). The technique is not from my imagination but from some research I am conducting on Kabbalah. I’ll include an except.”Whoa” Alex says, “you expect me to roll naked 9 times in the snow to remove the blemishes from my soul for using practical Kabbalah. Are you out of your fucking mind! Where the hell would I get snow in DC this time of year, even if I wasn’t half convinced I’m having a nervous breakdown.” I have plotted beyond this, but I am a bit stuck here, I have to find (or make up) a way to make practical Kabbalah safe for her to use. I have some ideas floating around, that I need to write out and see how they sound.

In a short story I am drafting called the Sexton and the Reaper The Sexton (graveyard keeper) dies of a heart attack in the cemetery. The problem is his soul can’t pass the gates. Nor can the reaper who has come to claim his soul.

Filed Under: Alex Kagan, Health, Judaism, writing

Weekend update

January 7, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Things that happened in real life:

Melissa and I took the kids to shul for Pajama Havdala. They made candles and art projects, had snacks and generally ran around having a good old time.

I really started getting back on the running train. The had an injured hip for a long time and just couldn’t get back into it for a variety of reasons, most I can’t post.  Saturday I did a light run on the treadmill for about 30 minutes. Walked to and from Shul, then can back and jogged about 10 miles at a very slow pace. Sunday I ran 3.5 miles in the mid to low 7′s.  When in shape I can do a 7.15 minute mile in a 1/2 marathon, but the run didn’t feel that slow. I am a very consistent runner. I will often run the same or similar speeds for a 5k, 10k, or 1/2 marathon.  Anyway it felt great and I’m not particularly sore today.  I missed running so I am looking forward to get back into it.

I mentioned in an earlier post I just got on the Apple iBooks store. I even sold my first copy to someone in the UK. Since that post I also got on the Kobo store. I think the kobo is popular in Canada, but Canadian kids like dancing elephants too, eh!

Things that happens in fiction:

Alex Kagan gets a surprise visit from her dead grandfather in a dream. Actually multiple dreams. In each dream he tries to show her how to draw something using Hebrew letters pattered in a specific way.

Filed Under: Apple, eBooks, Fiction, Health, Judaism, running, writing

Snoring

January 3, 2013 by 4 Comments

So I have a confession to make. By the title it should be obvious, I snore. I never really snored before, or at least not loud enough for it to ever be an issue for anyone.  But over the last few months I have started to snore (as my wife put it) like a chainsaw.  My ENT gave me a couple of nasal sprays and said lets see how this works for you. Hit and miss but better than without it.  It got worse again when I ran out of the drug and didn’t get a refill.  Irresponsible I know. OK so here is the deal I apparently have a deviated septum. And this is the most likely cause of my snoring. So I am left with few choices.

1. Keep taking $120 a month worth of meds.

2. Have surgery.

3. Buy a new bed and move into the basement.

So mighty intertubes what do I do. Go under the knife for my wife

Keep taking the meds and hope it improves to the point she doesn’t notice.

Move into my Man Cave

Filed Under: Health

I think my head is going to explode

November 15, 2012 by 4 Comments

I have so many stories in my head right now I think it’s going to explode, of course I have no time to write them. I can’t give up the day job (what I have of it). I haven’t been running due to an injury but I need to get back on track. I won’t take time away from my kids. That pretty much leaves sleep. Which I need to actually focus and writing and work. Sure I can find some time here and there. This blog post is a good example. I just finished work, even if I few home I would miss the kids’ bed times. So I might as well stay and knock out a blog post. See blogging is how I process and I am in dire need of some processing.

I have two very similar books I am working on, outside of the Egret series.  One is a YA urban fantasy and the other is an adult urban fantasy. There is not enough Jewish Fantasy out there so they both involve kabbalistic magick, or my version of it anyway. One has a very strong female lead, the other is about a group of HS students that get in over their heads. The stories keep coming together in odd ways. The are clearly set in the same world.  At times I want to bring them together and at other times I want to keep them separate.

I know I can’t keep working on both, so I either need to merge them or table one of the WiPs (works in progress). If I don’t I’m never going to finish either. Besides the 3 WiPs including Egret, I also have a project that is SOOOPER SEEKRET. No I am not doing nanowrimo, my head really would explode. Egret I can back off on. I have 3 to 4 more volumes already written. The secret project doesn’t take long.  But I can’t write these two books at one time, they are to similar in some ways and too different in others.

I really like the YA book but it feels too Secret Circle-ish, though the powerhouse is a boy not a girl.  And I can’t get the female protagonist of the urban fantasy out of my head. What can I say, I like strong women… I don’t think they combine well the more I think about it, so I have to decide which one to write (at least first).

So how about it, would you rather read about a strong female character who knows practical kabbalah and is as good or better than any man. Or would you rather read about a bunch of teens that stumble into and fumble their way through it all the while wrought with teen angst and love triangles. Not that the other one won’t have some sort of love triangleish thing going on…  Anyone up for a vote?

YA Urban Fantasy or Adult Urban Fantasy

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Filed Under: running, writing

running

October 22, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Update 1. First run. went OK. Took it as a jog.  Hit my distance goal of 5k+ and only moderate hip pain.

 

For awhile I was up to running 12-14 miles 3-4 times a week. Over the summer my doctor started adjusting my medications and I ended up having a hard time running consistently. With the adjustment I ended up having a hard time running early mornings or late nights, you know when a parent actually has time to run. So consequently my running slacked off seriously in August. Then comes a 1/2 Marathon in early September, I had some friends running, we had an extra bib… and I am superman. I’ve had a hip injury ever since which means with the combination of the meds and the hip, I have done very little running. In fact the few times I have run, I have had a hard time making it over 3 miles without a lot of pain. My ego got me in a bit of trouble the other week when I went out on a 7 mile loop and had to walk back 3 1/2 miles. I am frustrated with myself because I have lost so much ground.  I am however committed to getting back to where I was.

So I am committing to three running days to start.  I will keep it slow, steady and in the 3 mile range, until I can do it without the pain. After that I will slowly increase speed and distance. I know I can do this. I have an app on my iPhone that shows my runs. It is a pretty cool app. While I am running, it will read me any comments I get on Facebook or twitter.  So if you see a runmeter post, please comment, the encouragement does help.

Filed Under: Health, running

Corey Feldman A to Z

October 18, 2012 by 6 Comments

A is for actor. No I am not.

B is for brown.  My eyes and my hair.

C is for coffee. Oh how I love you dear.

D is dog. I would like one a lot.

E is for Egret, my first children’s book.

F is for Fowl. I’d rather not look.

G is for G-d. Skeptic of dogma, but Atheist I’m not.

H is for high. I wish I could fly.

I is for ice. Why does summer have to end?

J is for Jewish. On Shabbat I depend.

K is for my kids. They bring me so high.

L is for lucky. My family makes it so.

M is for Melissa.  Who holds me together.

N is for need.  A new job to help us weather.

O is for Order. Kept by Melissa on the go.

P is for purchase. My book is in supply.

Q is for queen. Schrodi cat, queen of our home.

R is for running. A trance while I roam.

S is of Samara.  That you weren’t born makes me cry.

T is for tension. Sometimes to much to bare.

U is for universe. My connection is usually there.

V is for vain. Hiding it is still a lie.

W is for winter. I’m a child of summer.

X is for Xanax. For my first book signing I’ll take.

Y is for yogurt. A favorite snack for my break.

Z is for Zen. May my ego someday slumber.

Filed Under: Birds, Coffee, Family, grateful, Home, Phobia, Poetry, religion, running, Skeptic, The other Corey Feldman

Overdue

September 24, 2012 by 4 Comments

Sorry I have fallen a bit off of the blogoshere, both here and visiting great blogs. Between trying to cram 5 days worth of work into 3, job hunting the other 2 days, and trying to finalize Egret the Elephant volume 1, there hasn’t been as much time for, well, anything.  Most importantly I would like to say happy anniversary to my wonderful wife Melissa who has been instrumental in editing Egret. To give an update on that, we have all but the last two stories (5 of 7) completely ready to go. I am going to do a soft release. Once the final two stories are edited, the eBook version will launch first.  The reasons for that is two fold. First it will give me a chance to give out some review copies, and hopefully build some hype, and secondly I’m finding the formatting of the trade paperback to be a little more challenging than I first predicted. But I guess it will be one or two weeks until we see the ebook.

My running is suffering right now. I managed to hurt my hip in a 1/2 marathon the other week. Running has been a challenge. I am in a lot of pain after about 4-5 miles and have to stop.  I’m hoping this is a shoe issue, they are well past their wear date. Anyways I am going to keep my miles low and times slow until my hip is healed.

I got the new iPhone 5. Thank you Dad for the belated birthday present. For the record it was belated only because the release date was a month or so after my birthday.  The phone is amazing but a bit of a battery hog. But that could partly be because I can’t stop playing with it. It is a beautiful phone and it is fast, both in processing speeds and the new LTE data is unbelievable. There are actually parts of my house (far away from the router) that it is faster to shut of the wifi and use LTE.  Passbook will be very cool once there are more compatible cards/apps. Frustrating that cases are hard to come by and I have to drag the one power cord I have with me everywhere. But even though it is a pain right now, I do like the new smaller adapter. It’s reversible and seems more sturdy.

The kids are doing great. Josh loves Beverly Farms and Sunday school at the Chabad. So far I am really thrilled with the learning he is getting from the Chabad though I feel like I am going to have to work extra to keep his critical thinking skills on tack when it comes to science. We had a long talk after he said there weren’t any unicorns anymore because they missed Noah’s Ark. I struggle with wanting him to have that Jewish identity and still see the beauty in science.  But I have been mostly able to walk that line and I hope he will as well.  Elijah is doing very well in his third year at Beth Sholom. They both have their moments but at the end of the day I think Melissa and I are wonderfully lucky parents to have two amazing kids.

Filed Under: Birthday, iPhone, Job Hunting, Judaism, Kids, running, Skeptic

Update DAA, Job Search, and kids

August 7, 2012 by 4 Comments

I know I haven’t updated much lately in the way of the whole Depression, ADHD, and Anxiety thing. There have been two reasons for this. First I am job hunting.  This isn’t a secret at work, I have been reduced to 3 days as week. My boss is hoping we get more business before I find another job, but she is aware I am on the job market and need to be to effectively support my family.  The other reason is I am doing great. I am happier on average than I ever been in my life, even facing the downsizing and some other drama not meant for public consumption.  So I clearly have found a good balance with the anti depression meds. I am also calmer than I have ever been n my life. So the anti anxiety meds are doing their job. I have been working hard to learn healthier coping strategies, so I can eventually come off or reduce the anti-anxiety meds.   And finally the ADHD seems to be under much better control now that I am back on Ritalin.  Essentially I feel great and there hasn’t been as much of a need to post continual updates to that effect.  The only real downside is I haven’t been able to run as much, because some of the meds make me drowsy in the morning and evening when I typically run.  But I’m confident I will figure that out as well.

The job hunt is going OK. I haven’t been at it that long and have already had a bunch a telephone interviews. Sadly so far they haven’t been in a pay range I would consider.  Shocking I know but I am not taking a position that pays the same for full-time as I am making working 3 days a week.  I have applied for a bunch of Government positions, but they take forever to fill. August is a terrible time to job hunt in general since so many people take vacations this month.  I’ll be at the beach  next week myself, which I am really looking forward to. If I feel relaxed now I a can’t wait to see how I feel at the beach, the one place in the world that almost always manages to relax me.

The kids are doing well. They did gross me out by dipping pears in ketchup last night. Then we had a conversation I wasn’t sure we (or I) were ready to have, but we tried to answer it as honestly as possible. My wife’s computer station is actually in our dinning room and there is a picture screensaver running. A picture of my mom came up which triggered the conversation. Why did Grammy die. How old was she when she died. I told them that people die when their brains stop working. I gave them a few examples of why the brain might stop working. Then I explained in Grammy’s case there was a blood vessel that wasn’t made right and broke. Josh followed up with why would that make her brain stop working and I explained that the brain needs the oxygen in the blood to keep working.  I wasn’t sure they were ready for this, but they kept asking questions and seemed very mater of fact about it and unfazed by the answers. So maybe it was time to have a more in depth conversation.  Which I guess wraps right back around to the whole anxiety thing.  last month I would not have been able to have that conversation, at least not as relaxed as I was.  Which in turn, I hope, better enabled them to handle/process the conversation.

Filed Under: Death, Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Job Hunting, Kids

Good news

July 26, 2012 by 2 Comments

No I haven’t found a new job yet, but I still have my reduced hours position. We upped my Cymbalta dose and I feel fantastic. Yes the work situation is kind of sucky, but I feel great.  I feel at least as well as I did before the Prozac crash, maybe even better. It’s hard to say for sure since I didn’t have any unusual stressors while the Prozac was working. I have yet to notice any side effects.  I feel incredibly balanced and at peace. Don’t get me wrong, every once in a while I have a mild panic attack about the job situation and supporting a family of 4 on a reduced salary/work schedule.  But I have 18 years of experience and am good at my job.  I will work that out.

I know I haven’t written any new Egret stories. I am sorry about that. The little free time I have had I have been polishing my resume and job hunting.  And what little time I have set aside for Egret has been about getting the 7 selected stories out for the first book (editing polishing, working with the illustrator etc…). I am still hoping for Labor Day release, I know that might be a bit unrealistic.  But that is my goal.  Rachel showed me some amazing redoes, but you will have to buy the book to see them!

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Health, Job Hunting

Dogging it

July 24, 2012 by 2 Comments

I have no excuse. I dogged today’s run.  I only ran a little over 7 miles. That isn’t my issues.  That was a matter of time before work. It was my pace. I ran those 7 miles 2 minutes per mile slower than my 1/2 marathon time. It wasn’t the meds, I waited until after to take them. I can’t really blame the temperature or humidity, it was early enough that it wasn’t much of a factor. Certainly not 2+ minutes per mile worth of time. Basically I dogged it. I zoned out, payed little attention to my pace. I think part of it was I set runmetter to only notify me at the mile pace when before I was doing every quarter mile. Going to reset that and see if that helps drop my time.  But at the end of the day I knew I was running slow and didn’t pick it up. I dogged it

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Health, running

Rejections is not fun and change is hard

July 23, 2012 by 8 Comments

It is no secret I’m looking for a job. My pay and hours have been cut to 3 days a week. It could have been worse, I could have been among those laid off. I think my EVP wants to keep me and is hoping we will win some big contracts before I find a new opportunity. But after 8 1/2 years she knows I need to support my family and does not begrudge me looking. I really forgot how difficult it is to deal with rejection when you really want something. Like say a job walking distance from my house.  I have gotten a few of the thanks but no thanks emails, but today’s phone call really was a punch to the gut. They have another opening she is going to pass my resume on for, but I don’t hold much hope for that. I do believe everything happens for a reason. The universe is telling me its time to move on. I think it has been whispering this in my ear for sometime, but I was afraid of change and well, I didn’t listen. So I am choosing to look at this as G-d’s way of speaking louder.

I hate playing the what if game, but six months ago I was heavily recruited for a position that sounded perfect for me. More money, much smaller commute and they were looking for someone with my skill set. I turned it down because I was afraid of change. I was happy in my 8+ year box. But I can’t get that, what if out of my head, as unproductive as it is.

But here is the good news. A few months ago, had this happened, I would have felt panicked and out of control. It would have been a constant battle to keep myself together. I’m highly motivated to find a new job, and I am not happy with the predicament I am in, but I’m actually pretty happy right now. There is not battle to keep myself together. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. It is what it is and I have the intelligence and experience rise from this setback.  Not sure I have ever felt that way before, and I have a lot more on the line today.  It will work out they way it is supposed to. I will listen to the Universe and find the right path. It may not be an easy road, but I will get there, G-d willing.

 

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, HR, Job Hunting, religion

Bad poetry

July 19, 2012 by 4 Comments

I wrote a lot of poetry in high school. Most of it is lost and forgotten.  I can’t find my journals. Anything that was on my HS computer is long lost. Poems I wrote but never sent to a girl in school were thrown away.  But there was one poem I was always proud of though, I thought it was brilliance at the time. For years I have struggled to remember this poem. I loved it, I loved every bit of it. Until I remembered it the other week. I was out for a run and the darn thing just flashed into my brain. But the problem was, it wasn’t the brilliant poem I remember, though I remembered it word for word. It was terrible. At best is was dramatic teen angst and at worse a cry for help with the whole unrealized depression and anxiety issues. For the morbidly curious, here it is, word for bad word. When you read it in your head think William Shatner doing Shakespeare as a caricature of Captain Kirk.

The Earth, the moon, the sun, the sky

How can I live, while living a lie

The facade is life, for life is a lie

You can never truly fly, until you soar high,

yes, high above all earthly lies!

Some memories are best left forgotten.  I wrote it and thought it was brilliant and it killed me that I lost it and couldn’t remember it. But recalling it and realizing its lack of brilliance I think is worse.

 

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Health

I have no rating for today

July 12, 2012 by 2 Comments

Yesterday I took the day of work.  I had two mental health visits in Maryland and with a commute to VA, it just made sense to take a sick day. I met with the social worker in the morning and my psychiatrist in the afternoon. Yesterday was not a good day. I missed my family who were on a mini vacation to the beach, I was stressed about work, and just generally blah. I couldn’t even get motivated to run. The social worker visit didn’t feel as productive as unusual.  The psychiatrist visits went better. I didn’t realize I wasn’t on the highest dose of Cymbalta, so if the depression doesn’t improve we are going to up my dose. We did add another drug to my pharmacological cocktail. I’m on Ritalin for the ADHD. That is part of the reason I don’t want to rate today. I need to get an understanding of how I feel on the Ritalin. I’m not as tired today, I say to myself as I yawn. But I do feel the Ritalin working.  She also asked my about my thyroid. I said I assume it’s fine, I don’t think it has ever been checked. So now I need to go in for a whole series of blood tests. That should be fun.  Actually I don’t mind blood draws. I’ve got great veins. If you have to double stick me, you shouldn’t be in the field.  If the Ritalin doesn’t work and the increased cymblalta does doesn’t help, then she wants me to go for a second opinion, see if there is something she is missing.  Anyway. Hopefully the Ritalin will help my focus which has been in the toilet lately.

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Health

July 9th is a 7.5

July 9, 2012 by 2 Comments

If you have been reading my posts you know my scale, but for those new to the site: 1 can’t get out of bed (which only happened once in my life for the record) to 10, my new definition of happiness. I am at a respectable 7.5.  Considering some work stress and the fact I already miss my family, I’m pretty happy with a 7.5. I said I miss my family, so let me explain. I don’t see them much during the week, and I travel more than infrequently for work, so I am used to playing the bachelor for a few days. But this is the first time my family has gone out of town and left me at home. So I am also a little jealous because they are going to the beach. My dream is to live, or at least have a second home at the beach.

Melissa is totally capable, so I have full trust in her ability to take the kids on a 3 hour drive to the beach for a couple of days. But I know Melissa is a little stressed about it, and on some level I am as well.  As much as I reject traditional patriarchal roles. There is a part of me that wants to be their to protect them from anything. I’d like to think its not actually patriarchy, that I would have those same feeling if our gender roles where reversed.

I am looking forward to Wednesday.  They won’t be back until sometime that day and I have the day off for some Medical appointments. So I get the opportunity to sleep in late! Plus they come back that day, so double bonus.

My anxiety levels are high today, but that is work related and I can’t go into it. I just took my klonopin, so hopefully that will help soon.  I suppose I need to come up with an anxiety scale. But in general I have been doing so well in that area, I haven’t needed one.

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Family, Health

July 8th is a solid 7

July 8, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I hate posting this so early in the morning because who knows how the day will progress, but so far today is a pretty solid 7 (see pervious post for my scale).  I had a relaxing Shabbat. Spent time with family and friends. Went to bed early and woke up on my own after 8 hours of pretty much uninterrupted sleep. There is nothing on the calendar to stress me out. Honestly the most taxing thing I can think of today I have to do is run up to BB&B to get some K cups.  We will probably go to the pool. Yesterday I watched both Josh and Elijah make amazing progress in their swimming.  I’m very proud of them. Elijah is doing better than Josh, who is two years older, but they have different personalities. Josh has always been a much more risk adverse child than Elijah. He has a healthy fear of the water, which is slowing his progress.  Honestly as proud as I am of Elijah’s progress I wish he had a little more fear of the water. In my long career as a lifeguard I pulled to many kids out of the water. Melissa is taking the boys to the beach for a couple of day tomorrow. I will need to reminder her to keep a close eye on Elijah, I don’t think he knows his limits. I also got a wonderful Facebook message from a cousin of mine (who I have a lot of respect for) who told me how proud she was of me for putting all this stuff out there. Like any human being , but especially one with anxiety issues, I can have my doubts that I am doing the right thing.  It was a nice reminder that I am.

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Family, Friends, Health, Kids, running, swimming

July 6th today is still a 3 – Miss you mom

July 6, 2012 by 2 Comments

One my scale of 1 (can’t get out of bed – which only happened once in my life for the record) to 10 (my new definition of happiness) I’m still at a three. I don’t think it’s the meds though. Triggers:  Still have the family drama from the other day on my mind.  I don’t talk about work on here, but I do have some major triggers going on right now. To top it off today is my mom’s birthday.   For new readers my mom past away 3 1/2 years ago suddenly and coinciding with my birth of my second child Elijah. Even if I wasn’t prone to depression and anxiety I’m pretty sure today would be a craptastic day.

Happy birthday Mom, we miss you.

Update- I’m skipping this weeks Follow Friday post. I want to keep this up for her birthday.

Update 2 – I’m starting to feel a boost. I think I might even be at a 4.

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Family, Health

July 5th – Today’s a 3

July 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

One my scale of 1 (can’t get out of bed) to 10 (my new definition of happiness) I’ve slipped to a 3 from an 8 in less than 24 hours. This isn’t a request for sympathy post. I’ve just decided to do a better job of tracking and blogging my days and triggers. The biggest two triggers I’m not going to actually share on here, but it involved 2 members of my family. One of which is my oldest child. The fact I am letting a 5 year old affect my mood, seems ridiculous, but it’s true. I’m not going into the second trigger at all, but it’s not one I will forget.  The third trigger was I could hear (but not see) some fireworks. As I mentioned in my 8 post, I am a huge Fourth of July fan and the fireworks are by far my favorite part.  4th trigger was this website. I hate the design. I messed with it for hours yesterday and finally put it back just where it was. Which leads me to the 5th trigger, not enough sleep. I had an alarm set for strength training this morning and I just didn’t get to bed early enough.

Here is what really scares me about being at a 3. I had a near serious high speed accident driving to work this morning. One of the befits of living in the DC metro area is it is incredibly diverse. We have people from all over the world. But I think it makes the road ways a mess; people being used to different driving conditions and laws. I can’t tell you how many near accidents I have had with cars with diplomatic plates. Now normally when some driver does something stupid, I get my adrenaline rush, react and miss or narrowly miss the other car. When that happens, I feel lucky to be alive.  I can be their for my kids, my wife, my family and friends. Today’s near accident was very very close. After the initial adrenaline rush, I essentially felt nothing.  It was for a good 20 minutes before I realized that whole grateful to be alive thing wasn’t there.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal.  But I did have that elation to be alive after a near miss.

Filed Under: Depression, Anxiety & ADHD, Health, traffic

Steady runner

July 4, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Apparently I am a very steady runner. The longer the distance the more competitive I am. This isn’t new. I was better in cross country than I was in Track. I don’t usually run 5ks. I’m really just getting warmed up at the 2-3 mile mark.  But the Autism Speaks 5k is a good cause for which I am happy to support. I haven’t seen my official results yet but it looks like I was running in the low 8 minutes per mile.  For 3.5 miles I think that kind of sucks, at least for me. I could run that in the 6s in High School. In fact I could run a 10k at a 6 something minute per mile. I’d love to get back down there, but then again I haven’t been at it that long. But here is what really struck me, my pace for today’s 5k was about the same as my pace for my 1/2 marathon. Even when I ran 20 miles (my current personal record) I lost less then a minute a mile and I slowed several times and jogged in place getting directions because I managed to get myself lost.

Filed Under: Health, running
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