Category: Health

Last month I wrote a post called Out of the mouth of babes. In this post, I explained how something my 4 year old (well almost 4 at the time) said reminded me of an important life lesson; you can’t fix people. The crux of the post excerpted here:

Without going into too much detail, my wife and I have been dealing with some drama on her side of the family. This drama has created a great deal of stress in our lives. Sadly, part of this stress is self inflicted in that that we keep believing that unhealthy people will start acting, healthy – that there is something we can say or do to help them understand, change and grow. But the reality is we can’t. You can’t fix people. One of my New Year’s resolutions will be to remember that conversation/Axiom.

I received a very nice comment in this thread, as well as several others off-blog. The other day someone posted a less flattering comment/question.

Corey it usually takes 2 to Tango and i’m not sayin’ your wife’s family isn’t part of it but family situations are always complicated and never 100% black and white this side right that side wrong or anything. not sayin’ 50-50 in your case who knows but your post implies you guys need no kinda fixin’ at all???

doesn’t count to say “part of this stress is self inflicted in that that we keep believing that unhealthy people will start acting, healthy – that there is something we can say or do to help them understand, change and grow. But the reality is we can’t. You can’t fix people.” that’s like sayin’ “sorry if you were offended by what i said back there.” that’s no apology and no responsibility taken on yourself. it’s an artifice.

no cracks in that mirror? none? i’m just askin’ man.

I started to draft a biting response, drizzled with, OK soaked in, sarcasm. Then I realized it was a fair question based on the idiom that it Takes two to Tango. It is after all a well know expression that often rings true. Never one to shy away from self-reflection I decided to look at the question and answer it in this post. I will do my best to address this question without publicly airing more dirty laundry than we are comfortable. But before I go into what, if any responsibility we share, I’d like to examine the foundation of the question; does it Take two to Tango.

The idea is simple, conflict exists due to the action of two (or more) parties. Without both parties, there is no conflict. While on a purely reductionistic level, I suppose it is true, but does the implication of some blame on both sides necessarily hold up under scrutiny? I don’t think it does. To get a jump start on Godwin’s Law, for those who ended up in Concentration Camps based on their race or religion, are they truly contributing to the conflict? How about people who are beaten or killed for no other reason that their sexual orientation, do they contribute to the violence perpetrated against them? When a woman is raped, does she share in the blame? And yes, I know my sarcasm is creeping back in, and for the sake of clarity, these are rhetorical and intentionally hyperbolic questions meant to emphasize the absurdity of blaming a victim.

While the above examples were extreme (though sadly all too common), I have not necessarily found more “run of the mill” conflicts to be disproportionately of the shared blame variety. I have spent most of my adult career in Human Resources with a large role in employees relations, conflict resolution and investigations. Granted by the time it escalates to my level, it is usually beyond your minor personality type conflicts. While I have certainly encountered plenty of the “It takes two” kind, I would never go into an investigation with that assumption.

In fairness, the author of the comment did say “usually” and was specifically referring to familial relations. But does this match the reality of a world where domestic violence is commonplace. Where drug and alcohol abuse destroys lives. Where even a mother can murder her own children. Again, extreme, but hardly consistent with the notion that it is “never 100% black and white this side right that side wrong”

In regards to the comment “that’s no apology and no responsibility taken on yourself. it’s an artifice”, my post wasn’t meant to be an apology. Ultimately grown adults are responsible for their own behavior and actions. I won’t tolerate the excuse that “[insert name] made me do it” from my children, I’m certainly not going to accept it from supposed adults. You can’t control other people’s behavior, only how you react to it and if you choose to allow it in your life. That was what I was taking ownership of.

Tensions between me and Melissa’s family have been there since the beginning of our relationship and I am willing to bare my share of that responsibility. I know that that when I am uncomfortable I tend to shut down and I can be perceived as cold and unfriendly. But there was an incident about 18 months ago, for which I can honestly say I take no blame. Someone put their hands on me inappropriately and aggressively, after which we decided this person would no longer be allowed around our children without either Melissa or I present. This restriction has led to the ongoing drama I alluded to in the earlier post. Melissa’s family has reacted to our choice for our children with ongoing unhealthy and destructive behavior towards us. We realize we can’t change their behavior nor can we fix them.